Oh the missionary life.
Thrift store clothes always (luckily it's hip to shop there now), beat up car (if you even have a car), you will never own a home too expensive, no fun, no going out to dinner or the movies, you are poor, you are a missionary.
Sometimes as missionaries we have the expectation on ourselves that this is the life we are to lead, boring poor lives.
We live on the financial support of others, we live off the generosity of other people, sometimes even strangers. This causes a somewhat awkward existence.
Can I go get coffee at my favorite cafe? What will my supporters think? My nose piercing cost $12. Was that wasteful? Am I ungrateful and unwise with my money? After all, its all given to me, should I ask if its okay?
I know missionaries with cars, and houses, MacBook computers and vacations...
I live in a community of missionaries, I have seen many different lifestyles and choices made with finances, I see how things work and yet...
I often feel I have dug my own hole of judgement where my self is the subject of ridicule.
My Amazon account haunts me. I am not allowed to have nice things.
These are things I tell myself.
I wanted to slink off to Europe unknown because I didn't know how to explain to people I am a missionary and I am travelling Europe at the same time. Missionaries can't travel they don't have the resources.
While in Athens I was walking and talking with a fellow YWAM-er. He said something I will never forget, "Why do we (missionaries) think we need to lead miserable lives?" I thought about it, I was walking the streets of Athens after two weeks of visiting friends all over Europe, I was not leading a life of misery in any way and I didn't realize I was carrying the guilt bag until he said that statement. I felt guilty for living my life, and often still do. Everything I bought, ate, every movie I watched or coffee I drank, all was done in guilt. This money should be used for paying rent or saving it till next month, what about Ilumina? Do I even think of the youth? How will they know Jesus if I am buying myself a coffee.
My judgement kept getting deeper and deeper.
God has recently challenged my faith and my prayer life. He has called me to pray as if I actually believed he was going to answer my prayers. I had been living months of apathetic prayers and shallow petitions. As I prayed I felt my faith flicker as God fanned the flames. "Believe in Me for a car."
Oh great...here we go. Jumping off another cliff into the oblivion of faith.
Gallo and I are now praying earnestly and raising funds and saving for the car that God has in store for us and also our own piece of land so we can eventually build our own home and not have to pay rent anymore. I know we have a good God who is my Father and he wants to give me good, and nice things. I am choosing not to be self conscious about anything he gives me. Of course we should have nice things, because our God is our Daddy and he wants us to be blessed and be a blessing! This pious self denial poverty mentality of some Christians, missionaries is pathetic. He is the Most High God! I will accept his blessings with gratitude, I will drink coffee and travel the world if HE provides it, if not, its simple, I won't. Gallo and I will watch him provide for all our needs, great and small and we will not go in need because we are his children and we trust in him. We will have a car soon, we will raise more than $50,000 for our land and home because nothing is impossible for God.
Will you trust in him? Will you pray big prayers and believe they will be answered?
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