Just As I Am, Poor, Wretched, Blind

"Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.” Mark 12: 41-44

I always wish we could know what happened to the widow in this story, did she go home and worry? I think not. I believe because she had enough faith to give so much of her savings that she had faith that God would provide for all her needs.I truly believe that after she went home all her needs were met by her Heavenly Father. 

I want to have faith like that. 

Now I am going to talk about something awkward. It's awkward for me at least. It's money. As a missionary money is awkward. I feel the constant struggle inside me, my love-hate relationship with those paper bills and plastic cards. I don't want to need money, I am not driven by it. Great, good for me. But I do need it, everyone needs it, it is how our world works. Here in YWAM every single YWAM-er you talk to has a good hand-full of awesome miracles of how God has provided. I count it as a blessing to rely on God in such a raw way as this. 

God take my little loaves and fishes and multiply it for your glory! Even if I feel I have nothing extra to give, it isn't mine, the money I have isn't mine to keep or give away, I do with it as You direct God. 

Let's all have faith to move mountains because, "the earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it;" Psalm 24:1. 

Nothing Else Will Satisfy

Here is an excerpt from my journal on November 2: 

" I have finally realized a trend in my life. I am not content. Like fully content. I look at everything as temporary, even if it is, I need to be utterly fulfilled by Jesus and I am not doing that. If I am in school, I am looking for a job, if I am working, I am looking for the mission field, if I am on the mission field and I am looking for the next big thing. I need to let God fulfill me in my life or else I will never be content and miss out on God's goodness...ministry does not satisfy, being fluent in Spanish does not satisfy, a husband does not satisfy, babies and children, and orphans and money...NOTHING SATISFIES, only you Lord my Rock."  

I remember when I was writing this, I was having a particularly difficult day. I am working in hospitality here at YWAM San Diego/Baja. This is a huge job, it takes up nearly 80% of my time sometimes. My job is to make sure rooms are clean, people have snacks, the buildings are clean, people are taken care of. I love it, I love taking care of people but it is an exhausting job. It has been a struggle for me. I will not lie to you my readers, I was mad. I was mad at so much. I work the most on weekends because that is when we have our build teams here building for Homes of Hope. I haven't been to a church service in about a month or so. I do ministries in Zona Norte in my free time. I was frusturated because if I could have my way I would be in Zona Norte every day. I didn't understand why God would do this to me. This all was building up in my soul and I was becoming a bitter and stressed person. I was entertaining the idea of quitting. I couldn't do it. So on November 2nd I was reflecting, and I was blown away by the revelation that God gave me. I wrote and wrote and wrote. God clearly spoke to me, "NOTHING SATISFIES". I laid back on my bed and prayed and prayed, for more revelation, for peace, for forgiveness! I was measuring my happiness based on what I wanted, or what I thought God wanted. In my mind I wasn't doing children's ministry enough so I was not satisfied. But it isn't about what we do, no matter how holy it is. You could be washing the feet of the homeless but if you aren't doing it for the glory of God, you will be left empty. You can have all this world but give me Jesus. He is the only thing that fills our hearts. He calls us to serve and sometimes that just looks different than we thought.  

This song by Hillsong Live has been really impacting me, surrender all to Jesus and he will satisfy you. 

I Surrender by Hillsong Live

Here are some random pictures from Zone Kids. God has really blessed me with getting to teach these precious ones! 

This is Isreal. As you can see he is quite the character. He really doesn't like to sit and wants to play soccer the whole time. I am struggling as to how to get him to like to sit and play games with us. He is so precious and has really good things to say but I can tell he is dealing with a lot in his little mind, so please pray for him and what ever situation he is coming from. He is showing off his medal he made, we wrote down the talents God gives us on our medals. Isreal wrote, soccer, math, and addition. 

This is Alejandro! He is 6, he loves soccer and he is probably the best listener in my class at Zone Kids. Pray for him, as he is so well behaved and I don't him to be influenced by the other kids or by the world around him. 

Here is Leonardo working on a craft we did about saying nice things to each other and being a good friend. 

Here are a few of my kids, Perla, Ivana, Gabriel, Michelle, Leonardo, Roberto, Alejandro.
Please pray for them that they would be protected from the Evil One as they come from very difficult places. And please pray for me, that I would share Jesus' love with them effectively. 

All Sons and Daughters

Ever since I was old enough to work with children I have. I grew up in my church working with kids once I was no longer considered a child. Sometimes I look back and think, did I even stand a chance? I had no choice, children are my life, and I would have it no other way. 
I really love kids, all sorts, especially babies. If the President of the United States walked in and there was a baby in the room, I am quite certain the baby would distract me more than Barack Obama. When people ask me my hobbies, I tell them, kids. 
The more I have grown, matured, and figured out who I am, more and more God has been revealing to me his heart. Many people have given me prophetic words about how I will "mother the nations" that I have God's maternal heart, one time someone even said I am like mother hen, and that my chicks will follow me and I will show them the arms of Jesus (not bad, seeing as I enjoy a good game of follow the leader). I believe these passions are a gift from God, and I intend to teach, love, care for, provide for, play with, dress, bathe, and feed children for the rest of my life. 

God teaches me a lot about himself, through examples of his father heart and mother heart. I was watching a little boy the other day sit in someone's lap. She was sitting on the floor cross-legged and he was just sitting there, stomping his feet and smiling. Completely content, just like a 2 year old should be. Immediately God told me, "be like that". I thought about it, we are supposed to be like a 2 year old sitting on someone they love and trust's lap. They don't have a worry, they are taken care of, they are provided for, they are 2, they cannot fathom what their parents have in store for them, but they know that their parents love them and that is all that matters. That is how we are supposed to be on our Father's lap, completely content, kicking our legs and smiling because we have a great Dad who loves us to sit on his lap.

Recently God gave me another picture. I remembered when I was little, I would suck my thumb and hold my mom or dad's ear. I still remember how at peace I felt when I did that. How secure I felt. I remember laying on my mom's chest and hearing her talk, and how soothing her voice was to me, I knew it was okay because I was with my mom. When I remembered that I prayed immediately. My heart so yearns to be that comforting voice to a baby, to a child, to be that security, to be that person that makes everything seem okay. I really want to be a mom one day. God knows my heart, and he told me something. "Let me be that comforting voice." I yearn so much to be a mom one day, but God yearns for us to be on his lap, secure and content in him each day. Be still. Lay your head down. "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 

Nachooooo Libreeeee

For those of you who know me, you know one of the things I love the most in this world is the movie Nacho Libre. If you haven't seen it, I implore you to watch it. The first time you watch it, you might not like it. I certainly didn't. In fact I first watched it in high school when it came it out and I hated it. But after a few years I randomly decided to watch it again and my life was changed. I can't say the movie literally changed my life but God did, and it was funny how it all happened at the same time. 
I am going to tell you a little bit of my testimony and how it pertains to Nacho Libre. Nacho Libre is about a Mexican friar whose name is Ignacio. Ever since he was young he had a dream and passion to be a great luchador (a Mexican wrestler). But since he was an orphan he grew up in a Catholic run orphanage where he became a cook in the kitchen. He continuously has this passion to become a great fighter, so he goes out and secretly tries to become a famous fighter. He must do it in secret because the Bible says, "Not to wrestle your neighbor..." It is so hilarious I am smiling to myself just thinking about all the one liners. 
Anyways, there is one scene in particular that really hit me when I was in college. Nacho is praying during mass, he prays "Gracious Father, why have you given me such a desire to wrestle but made me such a stinky warrior? Have I focused too much on my boots, and my fame, and my stretchy pants?" I felt exactly this way in college, I couldn't become a certified full time teacher because I couldn't pass a state exam we needed to enter into the College of Education. I was so upset with God because he had given me the desire to teach, it was a really hard time for me in my life and one day I watched this movie and I realized, I was Nacho. Nacho needed to realize he wasn't to fight for himself, for the fame or to be the best fighter in the whole world, but to help others. God opened my eyes to see that I was trying to create a cushion, a fall back plan if the missionary thing didn't work out. But it isn't about the fame or degree, it's about obedience. 
More recently God showed me something else. In the movie, Nacho goes to a "water gypsy" (I understand how silly this all sounds, but please trust me and watch it.) to get "eagle egg" powers so he can fight better in the ring. After he eats the eagle eggs, his partner tells him to "summon his eagle powers" when they are at a match. It's really funny. A few weeks ago I was really struggling with my identity and if I was really living a life worthy of the cross of Jesus. My friends were praying over me and God told me something. I saw a vision of an eagle flying over peaks and mountains, just soaring. God told me, "eagles don't question their identity, they don't worry about how to be an eagle, they just do it. They just fly and soar, they don't worry if they are "eagle enough". God told me to stop worrying if I am being "Ellie enough" he gave my passions and my personality for a reason, he made me who I am for a reason and I shouldn't worry if I am fulfilling his purposes so much. It isn't about what I can give to him, or how well I perform. I told my friends about what God told me and I started laughing. The line from Nacho Libre just kept running through my head to "summon my eagle powers" but now it has such a deeper meaning. I need to be Ellie, and not worry about being something else, an eagle glorifies his Creator by being an eagle, so I glorify my Creator by being who he created me to be.  
So yes, Nacho Libre has spoken to me on deep levels, much deeper than the creators of this movie probably ever thought possible. God is so good and patient. My prayer for all of you reading is that you can know the deepness of God's goodness and love for us all.   "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love." Psalm 145:8